home sweet om

FrostCottagefront
Originally uploaded by alxindia.

finally home again in California!

India was the usual melting pot -- uh, crucible, that is.

I always walk into the ashram life in Penukonda thinking it's going to be smooth sailing and within 45 minutes of having that thought, endless opportunities for conflict and pettiness walk in the doorway ad infinitum.

great chances to practice what I preach! (ouch!) it's like being in a hall of mirrors that are completely distorted and unflattering, and seeing the worst of yourself, constantly, every which way you turn around. (reflected back to you from the people around you.)

so, big internal adventure, as it always is, as well as all the external travelling, heat, food shock and other cultural surprises.

and, yes, India is my soul home.

physically, though, it's nice to be re-inhabiting Frost Cottage.

Mother Kali (poem)

Vajra Kali
Originally uploaded by alxindia.

Amma


I have walked the ground where they made you, Mother
whirling with dust & wind
my mouth dry & pacing
the sound of your eternal hum in my ears
whipping my mind into you
whipping all minds into you
melting all Mind.

I see all the whims you dropped onto the earth,
forgotten like unimportant toys
when you picked up your weapons, Amma,
to go & fight the worst demons
that live in all of us now
in towering battle
& pure cosmic rage –

your tongue blood-red
dripping rich with the element of soul’s passage,
of life & death & creation & more creation

& endless, infinite thirst to lick up
all the greed & selfishness of ignorant, shameful
egoism
that you can swallow
in your great gaping gulps
of ferocious love….

I used to wonder, “when are you coming for me?”
dreaming
in meditative states of suspended excitement
at reunion and half-fear,
dread that you wouldn’t love me
as much as I haven’t loved me
all these years in this body,
making these mistakes,
hurting innocence,
creating such chaos in the hearts & minds
of those I professed to love the most….

could I even see you, through the pile
the insurmountable pile of skulls & bones,
regrets & heartbreaks, looming between us?

but then one night
I met you face-on & knew you,
knew your high wild divine nature
as well as I know my own,

your eyes glittering black diamonds
the light bouncing in all directions but once,
just once,
purely focused in mine
emblazoning your way into my soul
for an eternity…

sure, I could hardly stand up,
a child, a real child in the hurricane,
all the internal winds
of your impossible love swirling in my heart
until
it was drunk with the Om,
drunk with the primordial sound of creation,
drunk with the swoop & shudder of you,
drunk & threatening to pass on or pass out
limp at your feet
prone & mute before the very majesty
of your silent thundering self…

I came from You!

did You ever begin?
there certainly could be no end!

long-tongued & regal, plump & dark
like the most sacred night of my own life,
the blackness of birth,
the anguish of soul yearning,
the endless sky against which
every star is just so much careless jewelry
scattered & sparkling like gems in a crown

oh, Mother, you are the crown of heaven,
the halo of stars, the galaxy in my heart

the fusion the knowing the depth the endless growing

in my soul you are in me now, Ma, & I am in you
& it has always been thus but for the fog,
the incredibly cloying velvet fog of forgetfulness
in whose cloth you wrapped me at birth
& nursed me in loss
& fed me, alive, to the deaths of those I loved most,

& through which shimmering veil, now,
grace of a pure tiger,

I can stand naked, wobbly on two feet

& see you

clearly

through all of my eyes

& know

finally

in the wind of your breath
in the storm of your eyes
in the lightning of your touch
in the bones of my form
in the blood in my heart

in all directions

what it really means
to come home.

singing bliss

A&J bhajans 1
Originally uploaded by alxindia.

it's the Bliss that pinches
Grief in the ass & won't let go
without a fight --

one divine fool can stumble merrily into a crowd,
swaying & listing unsteadily
while singing the names of god
at the top of his lungs,

all the while
pouring that goofy bliss
into the hearts of those
who like to listen
&
be healed by the sound of the sun

but there're always a few grouches
in the joint, broken-hearted
& threatened by joy
who try to silence the fool's song --
oh! slam & lock the door! --
or drown it out with their own
fierce yowls
of pain.

these guys are the same ones who shush
happy children at play
& would sooner steal their toys
than endure
the agony of another's innocent fun.
sometimes they even board up their own windows
to prevent the sun from shining its light
into their rooms.

but what are all these petty strategems
to a staggering old fool who's been drinking with god again,
singing heartily the divine's own light?

the arrows & insults, the locked doors & barricaded ears
only deliver the true grief cries,

those silent invitations
to sing ever louder, ever louder,

& to kiss each angry heart
with the crazy lips of love.

South India March 2006

South India around Shiva Rathri, wow.

it's a beautiful time. many miraculous events are occurring, as I'm sure you can all imagine, and as if in confirmation of this principle, last night there was an EPIC thunder and rainstorm, the likes of which I never saw here in all my years in South India.

the staircases and walkways were FLOODED in a torrent of water, shoes were floating away into the garden.... I walked about 30 yards in the rain, under a huge blanket, and was soaked through to the skin by the time I reached my apartment. I came under the blanket with two other women, and by the time we reached the apartment building we were giggling and shouting with laughter, like three-year-olds, completely innocent and giddy.

once home, I was COLD and WET. (which necessitated much hot chocolate and cookies!)

it was WILD. it never rains at this time of year, ever -- and even during the monsoon season, we've never seen a downpour like that. it came up while Kaleshwara was talking on some divine principles.... of course he didn't seem at all surprised by the sudden storm.... (grinning)

and our last news is that he did invite Jonathan and me to stay a few weeks longer, here.

so we'll be leaving India, we think, somewhere around the 23rd March, and then spending a few days in Singapore, before coming again to America at the end of March..........

after that, well, we'll be teaching and healing again, and performing with the JAMMS.... and enjoying the next chapters in this unfolding saga of spiritual adventure with all our friends old and new!