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Friday, January 20, 2006

my front door!

Originally uploaded by alxindia.
this is Frost Cottage.... my home temple in the redwoods.... the front door...

and a doorway into the possibility of healing and forgiveness...

I've been ruminating on how far I've come in terms of 'getting myself out of the way,' of dropping seemingly important internal dramas, of letting go, of forgiving myself and others for slights great, small, imagined and uh, 'genuine.'

there is a saying in 12-step circles: 'would you rather be happy or right?'

as a younger woman, I went 20 rounds with myself in that ring, often no decision. (grinning here!)

finally I recognized it's a choice, a really conscious, vital, disciplined choice, to be happy no matter WHAT.

and even to enjoy being wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(in the Vedic terminology, this is a state called "stithipragnatata," or, 'whatever it is, it is.')

one day many years ago, I was walking along the road in the redwood forest of Northern CA, ruminating on all this stuff and some fresh hurts that had come my way (and were triggering memories of old hurts)... and it hit me like a blinding light -- the most stressful thing in my life was..... ME!!!!!!!!

the only person creating any kind of real stress and pain and hurt in me was me!

(more accurately, I guess, I'd say now it was my mind and my wild, unruly emotions at the time...)

but I saw it really clearly, blindingly clearly, that everyone else whom I THOUGHT was contributing to my tough times and inner turmoil (not to say there weren't challenging relationships and situations with other people) was pretty much innocent.

I was the one perpetuating the drama, in my own head, and in my own heart and causing myself untold grief simply because I couldn't let anything go.

holding, holding.

having studied so much in India, especially training in the Five Elements (earth, fire, water, air and sky) -- I know now that something else was implicated -- so much holding blame, anger, anxiety, upset, resentment, betrayal, lack of forgiveness is all held in the Earth element.

it's the Earth's nature to hold. it's so magnetic.

washing out the Earth element's grip on my heart has been super-helpful in creating detachment and forgiveness, in me, and willingness to let go of stuff easily and admit that I'm being an idiot in the moment I'm being an idiot, not three weeks or months later.

finally, yes, I would much much rather be happy than right.


  • At 8:01 AM, Blogger Lightbringer said…

    Well Alx, that's an excellent summary of how we continue to do ourselves in! Yes, we are geniuses at being our own worst enemy. Bottom line is, we can't help alot of the stuff that happens around/to us; we can only control how we will respond to it. Back to the "Life as a Training Film" that we talked about. To whatever degree we can hold this awareness, we can neutralize the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" that come our way. Much easier said than done, of course. Which is why The Forever Great Ones like Yogananda, in whatever time or role they appear, are so important. They hold our hand, and teach us anew when we have a temporary setback!

  • At 1:40 AM, Blogger Alx said…

    lightbringer -- thanks for your comments! it's a bitch that we learned, somewhere along the way, to be so hard on ourselves. much, much tougher on ourselves (and for all the wrongest reasons there could be!) than anyone else would ever dream of being on us.....

    in addition to the Great Ones around us, there is also the great one within us, the inner guru who clicks into gear at critical moments (no pun intended) and reminds us that we are much greater than our self-imposed pain and limitation.



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